Until a few years ago I was an ‘emotionally unavailable’ modern man.
That all changed in 2014 because of Kim and Ella…
Kim was the first woman in a long, long time who seemed to match my life values and mission so well.
It was enough to make me very, very emotionally available! So much so, that I made the mistake of being too eager for connection — and that pushed her away 🙁
With that raw experience fresh in mind I got into 4 months of intense discussions with Ella (my landlady) where I confessed all of the insider secrets about how men think.
It did more than cure her chronic dating anxiety…
…it led to a complete turnaround and she found a solid relationship within a few short months.
So I’m going to help you:
- Understand why modern men are often emotionally unavailable,
- To really know in each case if he is or not, and
- What to do to help free him from this self-imposed limitation (where appropriate).
It’s a Solution In Two Parts
First you’ll have to see things from a man’s perspective. Hopefully I can do a fair job of giving that to you right now.
But there is a bigger challenge that you’ll come to: Creating a ‘safe zone’ where he feels comfortable opening up to…
And that’s the journey of a lifetime which I helped my landlady discover back in 2014.
So first of all:
Let’s clarify why so many modern men fall into the bracket of being ‘Emotionally Unavailable’.
Top 3 Reasons Why Men Are Emotionally Unavailable:
1. The Maturity Factor
Yes, ok, it’s true. Some men are simply immature.
Either (1) they didn’t develop emotional depth in adolescence, or (2) something has affected them at some point in their life, or (3) they simply have a different (more ’superficial’) personality to you.
Whichever it is, best to move on. You can’t solve it for him. You’ll waste too much time and energy waiting for him to ‘grow up’.
Your solution with men who seem immature is to simply move on.
In many cases men are actually not the emotionally stunted dimwits that so many women like to judge them as.
There are two very crucial possibilities as follows:
2. The Fun-Only Factor
Very often it’s not that a guy is ‘emotionally unavailable’. He’s just not emotionally available to you at this time. And perhaps never really can be. Even if you’re dating.
Sometimes guys just like dating a girl without anything ‘deeper’ or ‘more serious’ being written in the stars.
If that comes as a surprise, then it’s just how it is for modern men. Guys have so many options for dating. They have busy lives. They have big ambitions. They have serious responsibilities. They have very particular criteria that most women simply do not match completely.
That’s not to say anything against the woman at all. And chances are you have noticed a similar experience for your self in the way you judge certain men? Perhaps you have liked a guy for some form or level of ‘dating’ but you knew that you really were not interested in taking things to a more serious level?
Sometimes this kind of mutual arrangement of ‘superficial dating’ suits both people.
There’s really nothing you can do here except be yourself and only get involved to the level you are happy with. Enjoy the relationship for what it is. Be open to other relationship possibilities.
Which brings us to…
3. The Cautious Factor
Sometimes a guy really is emotionally available and just very, very cautious.
He is so good at hiding his emotional side that on surface he appears ‘unavailable’.
Why would he do this? Well, there’s a bunch of possible reasons:
- He fears heartbreak.
- He doesn’t know you well enough yet.
- He doesn’t think you know him enough yet.
- He wants to make sure he wins you over by playing it cool.
- He is emotionally slower than you are.
Assuming you actually have someone who is (a) capable of emotional involvement, and (b) interested enough in you to pursue it, then we really get to the heart of today’s ‘battle of the sexes’…
He doesn’t want to mess up. And he needs you to give him space.
Men have fears. They have hopes. They have doubts. They have insecurities. They have strong values. They have dreams.
And yes, the good ones really do want the same sweet loving devotion that you want. Believe me.
But such things take t-i-m-e.
They don’t want to make a mistake.
They don’t want to hurt you or be hurt.
They are not so easily driven by the power of love and connection that you may be driven by…
In fact: Men tend to seek and protect their self-identity first, before they seek intimate connection.
This is crucial male psychology: A man needs to feel well established, with a high degree of personal security and/or life direction, before they can risk or support the ‘burden’ of emotional entanglement.
They don’t want to disappoint their future partner. They want to provide. They want to be strong and successful and accomplished and respectable.
Those are very personal matters that each man faces differently.
And knowing this can help you to…
Navigate the early-stages of relationship successfully
By creating the right environment in which he can open up and begin to share all of his most intimate thoughts. Making space for him to be himself, while sharing his values, and building bridges of mutual connection, respect, interest and experience.
You’ll quickly find that men are not nearly as ‘emotionally unavailable’ as they first might seem.
It is now very possible to build emotional ties with a worthy potential suitor quickly. And doing so without any ‘premature emotional entanglement’ that can scare them off. A way to create space and avoid your fledgling relationship from feeling like a threat or a trap to his sense of independence.