The 8 Yoga Sutras For Intimate Conscious Relationship

Part 1 – Where I Got My Start With Yoga
Part 2 – How Sex, Yoga and Intimacy Combine (this page)

How Sex, Yoga, and Intimacy Combine

As an Intermediate to Advanced yoga practitioner, you’ll know yoga is not just about Asana poses.

The goal of yoga as expressed in The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 200 CE (I’m paraphrasing) is:

To create divine union between mind, body and spirit, through awareness of ourselves as individualized beings intimately connected to the unified whole of existence.

And our intimate relationships have a LOT to do with it.

To set the scene, asana’s (body postures) is the 3rd of eight ‘limbs’ of yoga as taught by Patanjali. Namely:

1 Yama: Universal morality
2 Niyama: Personal observances
3 Asanas: Body postures
4 Pranayama: Breathing exercises, and control of prana (sex energy)
5 Pratyahara: Control of the senses
6 Dharana: Concentration and cultivating inner perceptual awareness
7 Dhyana: Devotion, Meditation on the Divine
8 Samadhi: Union with the Divine

I’m ‘going out on a limb’ by doing this, and it’s not meant as narrow-minded westernized dogma… so with humility, here are a few ideas on how the 8 limbs of Yoga correspond with nurturing authentic intimacy in relationships.

(These concepts align with my work on intimacy in my live workshops, one-to-one coaching and online course The Intimacy Code.)


Introduction To The 8 Yoga Sutras For Intimate Conscious Relationship

Yama: Universal morality

In relationship, this involves mutual compassion for each other’s journey of inner truth and connection with our spiritual self.

Striving for complete authenticity of our own character and behavior, along with striving for total empathy for our partner — giving them space to grow and explore their journey, with a commitment to behave in a way that best serves the highest purpose of both partners.

A selfless compassion for your partner.

Niyama: Personal observances

In relationship, the niyamas relate to maintaining conscientious healthy boundaries for your own sanctity and self-ownership, to ensure you have the right personal space to be true to yourself regardless of the relationship with a partner.

This includes the self-responsibilities for cleanliness, good health and fitness, mental attitude and emotional mood, personal power, integrity and effort towards achieving your successes, and developing internal mindfulness to know yourself more fully.

It also includes the recognition of yourself as part of a broader experience and connection with existence beyond the boundaries and limitations of an interpersonal romantic loving relationship.

A selfish focus on your personal experience.

Asanas: Body postures

Asana is the practice of physical postures or ‘positions’. It is the most commonly known aspect of yoga. Patanjali describes the Asana’s this way:

“This down-to-earth, flesh-and-bones practice is simply one of the most direct and expedient ways to meet yourself. … This limb of yoga practice reattaches us to our body. In reattaching ourselves to our bodies we reattach ourselves to the responsibility of living a life guided by the undeniable wisdom of our body.”

In terms of relationship this includes three elements:

1. Chi energy cultivation. Literally circulating the flow of chi energy through the body while holding your Asana poses and listening to the messages of wisdom that your body provides.

2. Couples Yoga. Working with a partner on Yoga positions rather than alone.

3. What has come to be known as ‘Tantric Sex’. Think ‘kama sutra’ positions. And yes, there were a few of those books in my Dad’s collection too (as per part 1). Here the focus is not just on ‘sex positions’, it’s the use of sex to engage emotional closeness as well as personal discovery and fulfillment through that shared heightened experience. Many of the physically challenging sexual positions of Tantric lovemaking are actually yoga postures used for personal awakening.

Pranayama: Breathing technique for control of prana

Breath work alone is not just about mindfulness meditation. Some yoga traditions and all of the Taoists taught how breath can be used to circulate chi (life force / sex energy) throughout the body.

Through intimate relationship, this involves circulating chi (sex energy) through breath during love making. Breath control can help delay or heighten the onset of orgasm. Breath work during sex also helps the partners synchronize and harmonize their emotions by tuning in to each other’s sensory experience.

Pratyahara:  Control of the senses

Affection is a vital cornerstone of loving relationship. Yet, over-indulgence or neediness for constant physical contact can end up pushing a partner away. Or it can lead to an emotional dependence on the physical aspects of relationship which inhibits the broader psychological and spiritual aspects.

An easy way for a woman to understand ‘control of the senses’ is in her preference for the man to take his time with lovemaking, rather than ‘racing to the finish line’.

In a similar way, men appreciate a woman’s sensitivity to give space rather than becoming ‘clingy’. Men like to spend time in their ‘man cave’ or den.

Pratyahara (control of the senses) in relationship is both about contributing sufficient affection and practical support to the partner, as well as knowing when to withdraw, hold back, and not over-indulge.

Dharana: Cultivating Self-Awareness

Extending beyond pratyahara, dharana means ‘immovable concentration of the mind’.

In terms of relationship, this involves being present and mindful in our connection with, and separateness from, our partner.

Giving Space

In my coaching, women have sometimes expressed their keen desire, almost an emotional need, for their man to be constantly demonstrating that she is ‘on his mind’.

Dharana advises that both partners allow each other to have mental, emotional and physical time apart form each other, allowing organic and holistic growth to occur for both of you separately, and in the relationship.

Being Present

A powerful phrase about presence is ‘wherever you are, be there’, reminding us to focus our awareness on the reality of our circumstances and fully appreciate and experience what is available to us in each moment.

This always implies that we should let go of any lingering longing for that which is not in our presence, including our partner, so we are not inhibited from pursuing our many responsibilities and aspirations.

This means giving each other genuine space to ‘breathe’, to concentrate, to focus, to clarify.

Offering Empathy

It also means concentrating and clarifying the contribution of the relationship to both partners. To fully focus on giving your best self to your partner. And making space for them to do the same for you. This is the immoveable concentration of relationship. To nurture both partners through times of separateness and times of fully present togetherness.

Dhyana: Devotion, Meditation on the Divine

Dhyana means worship. In relationship this is about appreciating the divine within the male/female relationship: the convergence of masculine/feminine energies with a resultant mix of strengths, weaknesses, roles and playful games that you each take on, and offer to each other.

Dhyana in relationship has several focal points:

Worship of the partners energy.

If you are the feminine partner, how can you fully admire, appreciate, bask in, and be absorbed by the strong masculine contribution of your partner?

Worship of your own energy.

If you are the feminine partner, how can you fully admire, appreciate, bask in, and be absorbed by the expressive feminine movement of your inner abundance?

Worship of your combined unity.

What clues can you find that illuminate the ‘other worldly’ experiences of deep, abiding, authentic intimacy that pervades a loving harmonious relationship?

Samadhi: Union with the Divine

Union with the divine in relationship means the cessation of conflict and the transcendent ecstasy of absolute emotional closeness achieved in the fleeting moments of shared orgasmic experience — and the emotional closeness that is created through authentic intimacy.

The spirituality of sex is, unfortunately, a hidden area of knowledge in most spiritual doctrines. For example:

“The Kabbalah teaches that … man can achieve total union with God only through sexual intercourse. This is one of the most zealously guarded secrets of the Kabbalah. Because God is made of two principles, male and female, and because they are forever united in perfect harmony, man must also endeavor to achieve perfect harmony in sex with a woman, one woman. According to Kabbalah a man or a woman who has never joined in sex with a member of the opposite sex can never come in contact with God.” – The Complete Book of Spells, Ceremonies, and Magic, Migene González-Wippler

And the sexual component of Indian Tantra is often neglected, forgotten or suprressed. (See Kiss of the Yogini)

The only path I know that still openly shares the spirituality of sex is Taoism.

The Tao (The Way) advocates a simple, natural, healthy and happy approach to life. Where our sensuality guides us to holistic integration of self with existence.

To paraphrase the earlier paragraph:

the most complete sense of union or mergence with existence occurs in the loss of conscious identity during moments of orgasmic ecstasy with full release of inhibition and fear, in a momentary, fleeting state of unconditional love and oneness

This is the goal of Yoga in terms of romantic loving relationship as I see it.

Part 1: Where I Got My Start With Yoga

Continue with Sex, Tantra and Enlightenment.

Finding Intimacy Through Yoga – Part 1

Part 1 – Where I Got My Start With Yoga (this page)
Part 2 – How Sex, Yoga and Intimacy Combine

You’ve probably seen videos of Yoga Moms and Dads holding Asana’s together along with their teeny tiny baby’s…

What a great start in life, to be part of such a shared commitment from parents to wellbeing.

It wasn’t quite like that in my household as mum didn’t participate, but I still feel fortunate as being among the first such ‘yoga baby’s’ in the Western World during the early 80s thanks to my dad.

I remember as a toddler rolling around on what seemed to be a vast blue thick and fluffy field of safety. It was my father’s blanket which he used for yoga practice out in the fields, next to the health retreat where we lived and he worked.

I distinctly remember dads red yoga pants, bushy beard, and startling Breath of Fire. He really did look a lot like this:

I was intent on mimicking the balancing poses that he seemed to hold for an eternity. Tree pose was my favorite.

Dad had learned yoga in India during the 70s and went on to teach yoga in the UK for some 30 years alongside his career in Naturopathy and Osteopathy. A true pioneer of the modern natural health movement.

Our bookshelves at home were stacked a mile high with the wisdom of eastern philosophy, natural health and modern psychology. My insatiable curiosity picked up around 9-years of age, and when dad moved out of the house when I was 11, rather than being able to instantly ask him every question under the sun, I turned to the books.

Without a guru, without a lively family environment, and without the distractions of any Internet, I had little better to do than ponder over the descriptions of mind, body, and spirit that emanated from the unfamiliar concepts and diagrams on the yellowed pages of that large eclectic mix of books.

I practiced. I tried the meditations. The breath work. The personal growth writing exercises. Dad gave me demonstrations or tips from time-to-time when I saw him at weekends. He even taught yoga at my primary school for a while. I was the kid with the funny dad.

I wasn’t so normal myself. At 15 I had my first experience of Samadhi (union with the divine) while meditating in the middle of my bedroom floor.

In brief: I discovered a white dot surrounded by a hazy mote of luminance, surrounded by an expanse of darkness. I was the dot. When I connected with my essence in that way, I emerged from that meditation deeply changed. I soon transitioned from a typical confused and frustrated teenager towards a purpose-directed young man.

But… then I discovered girls — and ‘union with the divine’ took on a while different meaning.

It wasn’t until my 20s that I re-connected with that internal journey of balance and harmony using a Taoist sex-energy meditation known as ‘circulating chi around the micro-cosmic orbit’ as I learned from Taoist Master Mantak Chia.

His books Cultivating Male/Female Sexual Energy are highly recommended. His live events give a deeper appreciation of the tempo and motion of the practices.

In essence, it involves drawing chi/prana (life force / sex-energy) through the base of the spine, up the spinal column, around the head, down the front, and collecting in the tan tien (solar plexus / belly area).

Through that daily practice, (similar to the rising serpent of Kundalini Yoga) I re-harnessed the self-disciplines of Taoist meditation that transmute sex energy into vitality.

I realized that full yoga practice is not just compatible with Taoist tantra meditation, but aligns with the broader journey of conscious relationship between intimate partners.

Part 2: The 8 Yoga Sutras For Intimate Conscious Relationship

Sex, Tantra and Enlightenment

Note: This is more of a research page rather than finished article. These notes were started in 2011 and continue through to 2016.

Have you ever experienced energetic waves streaming up your spine, washing over your head, and tingling through your hands?

In my early years it happened often, whenever I felt a strong sense of wonder… insight… or eroticism. Reading philosophy, psychology or literature could trigger a cascade of tingling energy that would rush up my back and over my head down my arms.

The sensation is that of a mix between goose bumps, sexual tingles, a rolling peaceful massage, and putting your fingers in an electric socket.

I assume you know the kind of overall experience I mean.

Well, little did I realize at the time that I was tapping in to the movement of Chi energy, otherwise known as Prana (Sanskrit for ‘vital life’) or ‘life force’ energy as taught in ancient spiritual heritage from Kundalini Yoga to Hermetic Kabbalah.

“All of the ancient spiritual traditions have a Tantric component.” – Weiser Field Guide To Ascension: The Meaning of Miracles and Shifts in Consciousness Past and Present – Cal Garrison

“The Kabbalah teaches that … man can achieve total union with God only through sexual intercourse. This is one of the most zealously guarded secrets of the Kabbalah. Because God is made of two principles, male and female, and because they are forever united in perfect harmony, man must also endeavour to achieve perfect harmony in sex with a woman, one woman. According to Kabbalah a man or a woman who has never joined in sex with a member of the opposite sex can never come in contact with God.” – The Complete Book of Spells, Ceremonies, and Magic, Migene González-Wippler

Sex Energy Cultivation

I didn’t relate my sensations of electrical waves with the eastern philosophies of chi energy cultivation until I started the practices of tantric energy cultivation taught by Taoist Master Mantak Chia during my mid-20s.

His teachings encouraged me to dedicate myself to the disciplines and practice of literally circulating the life force energy up my spine and around my head, and down the front of my body (in what is called the micro-cosmic orbit).

It doesn’t take much practice to create clear proof of a real effect.

For men, it begins in the balls. (Of course, right?)

In just a very short time I found results, unlike a lot of other meditation practices I did in the past.

As Chia says:

“People want to connect to the heaven but they forget about the Earth. If you don’t have the positive and the negative live wiring, you don’t get electricity. You need to connect with both.”

Ankhing (Egyptian Orgasm)

Other references to the same general experience is found in commentary on ancient Egypt.

Ancient Egyptians supposedly believed in knowing all ‘sixty-four sexual modes’ as requisite to entering the King’s Chamber to ascend to the next level of consciousness.

“The ankh is the template for the channel that carries the orgasm up the spine and allows us to move that energy back into the body” – Cal Garrison

Drunvalo explains in ‘ancient Egyptian sexual ankhing‘

Ancient Egyptians believed that the entire Mer-Ka-Ba or ‘lightbody’ (the field of energy surrounding and interpenetrating the body) benefits from the sexual release of orgasm.

Wilhelm Reich on Orgone Sex Energy

As recently as the 1950s, Reich experimented with bio-electricity demonstrate that human emotion, sexual excitation and orgastic discharge are measurable phenomena.

He believed that full sexual awareness would mean the end of superstition and suppressive belief systems.

“Full sexual consciousness and a natural regulation of sexual life mean the end of mystical feelings of any kind. In other words, natural sexuality is the deadly enemy of mystical religion. The church, by making the fight over sexuality the center of its dogmas and of its influence over the masses, confirms this concept.” – Wilhelm Reich

On Wilhelm Reich’s idea of Orgone Sex Energy:

“His idea was that the orgasm was not simply a device to aid recreation, but was the body’s emotional energy regulator. The better the orgasm, the more energy was released, meaning that less was available to create neurotic states. Reich called the ability to release sufficient energy during orgasm “orgastic potency,” something that very few individuals could achieve, he argued, because of society’s sexual oppression.”

Napoleon Hill on Sex Energy Transmutation

And in the very early 1900s, Napoleon Hill wrote on The Mystery of Sex Transmutation

“The desire for sexual expression is by far the strongest and most impelling of all the human emotions, and for this very reason this desire, when harnessed and transmuted into action, other than that of physical expression, may raise one to the status of a genius.

One of America’s most able business men frankly admitted that his attractive secretary was responsible for most of the plans he created. He admitted that her presence lifted him to heights of creative imagination, such as he could experience under no other stimulus..” – Napoleon Hill

Chakras & New-Age Spirituality

The eastern Chakra systems of the body have been identified as nodes in the human body where vortexes of subtle energy from higher dimensions interfere with the physical body.

Most of so called new-age spirituality that’s flung about on the net is extremely unbalanced and will do nothing more than fool you into thinking you’re progressing while actually wasting your precious time and leading you down dead ends.

The crown chakra is not ‘beyond’ or ‘above’ the body in terms of importance.  The root and sacral chakras are just as much related to higher spirituality as the crown chakra. Be careful about who you listen to.

Tantric Breathing Exercise

The first exercise I learned from Chia goes something like this:

Sit with loose pants on the edge of a chair. While breathing in, focus the mind on a sensation of inflowing energy into the scrotum. Each inhalation draws more energy into that area and it begins to rise. Within a short space of time I felt a very cold energy collecting there, and I could then gradually draw it up into the lower spinal area.

Since then I have endeavoured to ‘cultivate’ this chi energy, by circulating up the spine, around the head, and down my front, collecting it in my navel area.

Chi energy draws from the intent of the mind (crown chakra) through the lower chakras of the body and circulates it for health, vitality and pleasure throughout the body.

The process is similar for men and women and explained in great detail in Chia’s books. I read most of them and think these are the best to start with:

But don’t just read about it, for Tantra and Tao are bodily experiences. Doooo the exercises. Give them time and space. You’ll likely start feeling physical effects within days depending on your current level of chi connection.

Shoutout to the London UK Tao and Tantra school where Kris Deva North (also a brilliant Tantra and Taoist teacher) gives various classes.

He Found Intimacy With His Partner Only After Becoming Impotent [video]

Thank goodness I don’t have Michael’s problems.

Although I do very much relate to his discovery of ‘deep abiding connection’ through loving intimacy.

He describes it very well through a humorous yet poignant presentation that I believe every man should watch to learn from and every woman should watch to know that men can be taught.

Michael went from the most shallow understanding of human intimacy to the heights of human intimacy.

And all it took was… a ‘little problem’.

Enjoy the video.

In this warm and humorous talk, Michael J. Russer describes how his impotence led him to discover the key to experiencing extraordinary intimacy with another human being.

Michael J. Russer is an international speaker and author of several books. He is also a prostate cancer survivor who was rendered fully impotent as a result of the treatments. However, it is because of his impotence and his conscious choice to go from being shut-down to fully heart open that he and his partner now experience truly extraordinary levels of emotional and physical intimacy beyond what most “normally” functioning couples can imagine. This makes him one of the most unique intimacy experts in the world.

True Romance? The Precious Celebration Of Loving Harmony & Sexual Tension

_0012_Smart_Girl_Artboard-44In earlier years the idea of ‘romance’ never made much sense to me…

What is it to be ‘romantic’, exactly?

Why are flowers and a candle lit dinner considered ‘romantic gestures’.

What is the feeeeeling of romance, actually?

Despite the idea of ‘romantic love’ being a fascination to me for many years, it wasn’t until a lot of time spent on the 3 R’s (reading, reflecting and relationships) that I finally figured out what it truly means at an experiential level.

Romance =
The Precious Celebration
Of Loving Harmony
Heightened By Sexual Tension

Let’s break that down to be crystal clear, taking it in reverse order:

Sexual Tension

Romance is never non-sexual, although most romance is not about intercourse. Romance exists within the sexual tension between two people that may or may not at this time be active sexual partners.

Loving Harmony

Romance is more than just sexual tension. It involves an experience of harmony between people who radiate goodwill towards each other.

That mix of sexual tension and loving harmony produces the possibilities of romantic experience. This is common in most committed, happy relationships.

Yet it’s the 3rd component that really makes a deep and potentially enduring romantic connection.

Precious Celebration — The Crown of Romantic Experience


The Celebration is the state of joyfulness and gratitude that exists between authentic, present and connected partners who admire, respect and support each others individual efforts to create health and harmony in mind, body and spirit.

It is a celebration of life itself, of each other as admirable individuals, and for the special experience they each gain by being together as a couple.

Think of the Preciousness of this Celebration as an extra push of care, regard and protection of the delicacy of the celebration. Something to be cherished and protected, like the birth of a helpless new born child.

Romantic Bliss emerges from the dynamic of loving harmony and sexual tension with someone who makes us feel safe and secure.


But is romance important to life?

Only if you want to experience a level of happiness beyond what you can achieve on your own or with friends and family…

…And only if you are ready for the responsibility of supporting anothers needs, as well as your own, through the synergy of sustained loving harmony and the demands of stimulating sexual tension…

…And only if achieving the very pinnacle of ‘transcendent’ life experience is important to you.


Wishing you romantic bliss.

Why wait?

It starts with you.

Pin it:


If you believe as I do that nurturing authentic and lasting romance requires life-long learning, try what my subscribers fondly call ‘Gavriel’s Soap Opera Series’.

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Please Note: This is not the typical paid-for or feel-good-factor editorial you see on popular blog and news sites. This is balls-to-bones real-life experience from my 100% commitment to (a) building ever more romantic bliss for my own self as a middle age man through harmonious relationships via mind, body, and spirit, and (b) helping others like you do the same, including my clients, friends and subscribers (both men and women, but mostly women).

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– Face Your Fears & Release Your Regrets
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…I share a lot of insights on the modern man that will empower you to nurture authentic and lasting romance with confidence.

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Flick These 4 Sexual Hormone Switches For Romantic Bliss

When Joseph Campbell coined the phrase ‘follow your bliss’, did he mean to identify the purpose of life… or was he just cajoling us to let loose and have more fun? — or more sex perhaps?

What is the limit of our capacity for bliss, anyway?

Is it to be found in love? Is it a biochemical addiction of positive hormones? Or is it some higher-minded concepts of god, spirit or ascension to invisible dimensions of immaterial oneness?

Curiously enough, those 3 possibilities may be intimately linked and inseparable.

You’ll recognize how within your own memory of rapturous states of orgasm. Those moments of electrifying pleasure flooding your body, emptying your mind, unifying your consciousness and lifting your spirits. Words can not do it justice.

Wouldn’t that be a wonderful state to exist in timelessly? Maybe technology will advance and put us all in perpetual orgasmic trances.

Until then, let’s look at how your hormones dictate the best approach you can take to create and sustain a sense of transcendent ecstasy throughout your life.

Your 4 Hormonal Switches For Bliss

You may have heard about oxytocin, dopamine, opioids and cortisol. Here’s a quick summary:

  • Dopamine – the anticipation hormone
  • Oxytocin – the love hormone
  • Opioids – the transcendence hormone
  • Cortisol – the safety hormone

And what have they got to do with sex?

As you’ll soon see — profoundly everything!

When you grasp the pinnacle of blissful human experience through rapturous sex (which ancient spiritual traditions consider as pre-requisite with achieving communion with ‘god’), then you come to understand the full range of pleasurable human experience as directly related to a broader concept of ‘sex’ than just mere intercourse.

So without further ado…

Let’s Redefine Sex for the 21st Century

In today’s culture we think of sex as physical intercourse, while sexually stimulating behaviors are considered as mere ‘foreplay’ (what goes before sex), and the general moment to moment pleasantries, sweet words of affirmation or physical touch as simply ‘affection’.

But what if we saw the connection of all of those experiences as a continuous stream of sexual dynamics?

Ask women in confidence what deeply fulfilling sex means to them, and they won’t describe mere intercourse. They won’t even say intercourse that ends in orgasm.

Because activities considered as  ‘foreplay’ are not ‘before sex’. They are an essential component of a full sexual experience! I know that as a woman you know that already.

And the same is true with ‘affection’. Affection is part and parcel of the fullness of sexuality. Is it not?

Yet in today’s culture… and sure, blame it on ‘patriarchal dominance’ if you will… we’ve lost sight of the full spectrum of human pleasure — in pursuit of superficial consumption, the coping mechanisms of stress, the constraints of time, and the shame of excessive indulgence.

Be selfless, we’re told. Drop your ego, we’re advised. As if our very existence as an individual physical persons is somehow ‘wrong’ and contrary to the order of the universe…

But what if the achievement of sensual satisfaction, spiritual ascension and romantic union require us to harmonize the hormones which influence every aspect of experience with our mind, body and spirit?

What if your hormones are symbolic of the essence of physical, mental and emotional needs that bring you directly to transcendent states of consciousness, connection and bliss?

Let’s take a deeper look.

Switch 1: Build Anticipation (water)

Dopamine, the anticipation hormone activates when a woman thinks of doing something exciting, particularly thoughts of satisfying sex. Dopamine produces a high-energy focus which incentivizes the woman to pursue and welcome sexual experience. Dopamine is linked with arousal and desire.

Fulfilling our desires brings us pleasure and a sense of wellness via Switch 2.

Switch 2: Nurture Love (fire)

Feelings of love, trust, and peace are created by the release of oxytocin. The love hormone.

Oxytocin comes from the ‘master gland’ called the hypothalamus in the brain, which, via the pituitary gland, triggers other glands throughout your body such as the adrenals, thyroid and gonads to release other hormones.

By increasing love in our life, we are literally supporting optimal function of the entire body via the stimulation of oxytocin which regulates our other hormonal triggers.

Those hormones regulate the body’s functions, manage our health, feed our sense of wellbeing and serve our capacity for experience.

As such, we can see that love directly regulates our entire physical function, comfort and health and feeds our emotional experience.

This is a profound insight into the purpose of life. But we’re not done yet…

Switch 3: Make Space For Transcendence (air)

Along with oxytocin, orgasm releases an additional hormone called opioids which brings on the emotional experiences of ecstasy and transcendence.

Many writers have expressed ‘the sublime’ state that creates a greater sense of love, compassion, self-acceptance, and connectedness.

In fact, regions of the brain related to self-awareness, inhibition, and self-regulation go quiet for women during a heightened orgasmic state. Women and neuroscientists describe this ecstatic transcendent state as a melting of conscious boundaries, a loss of self, and a loss of control.

Such freedom of inhibition and relaxation can be scary and requires a deep sense of emotional security. Which brings us to Switch 4…

Switch 4: Create Safety (earth)

Cortisol is the hormone that releases in moments of stress to help us overcome a momentary threat to our wellbeing, whether real or imagined. Commonly known as the stress-hormone, cortisol blocks the effect of the above three feel-good hormones. As such, ‘bad stress’ interferes with all of your sexual processes.

Think of it in terms of physical safety through evolutionary biology. When you enter that higher-level of trance state through orgasmic opening and release, you literally lose the capacity to defend yourself from harm.

In the wild of nature, during our ancient evolution, keeping safe was always a priority and the body has learned the ‘fight or flight response’ by releasing cortisol during times of threat (real or imagined) which shut down our bliss chemicals to give us a chance of surviving and reaching safety.

And in today’s world, there may not be any dinosaurs with knashing teeth chasing us… but there are politicians… taxes… bosses… cranky drivers… and a sea of stressful situations that we live through each day with subtle conflicts and people just trying to guard what little sense of security and pleasure they can find.

Stress and conflict are romance killers. Yet stress and conflict are so frequent in today’s world. Isn’t it bizarre how we’ve developed a global society that makes love and romance difficult to sustain?

So how can you flick that cortisol hormone switch to ‘off’, and keep the dopamine, oxytocin and opioid switches set to ‘on’?

Enter, Romance.

Can you remember a time of intense romantic happiness?

In that state, you feel honored, secure, protected, cherished, wanted, fulfilled, excited, optimistic, peaceful, connected, and so on.

In romance we nurture each other to keep those hormone switches flicked to the best possible position given our changing interests, responsibilities and circumstances.

Creating an environment of optimal hormone balance for transcendent ecstasy in sexual love requires both partners to communicate and care.

Your physical circuitry directly links to your mental state in a natural feedback loop between your physical experience and your emotional state of mind.

As if you need to be told… women are most happy in loving connection. And you may be shocked to hear this. But men are too. Although they do seem to suffer from amnesia a lot.

A woman’s state of romantic bliss literally depends on the kind of nurturing, caressing, supportive, protective environment that masculine energy from a partner can provide.

That’s right. Your Autonomic Nervous System is directly impacted by the degree of sexual love in your life.

And no, orgasm for women is not enough either. The fullness of hormonal ecstasy for a woman only comes via a much fuller emotionally nurturing experience of sexual love.

If only more men would understand that!

Sweet words spoken from a lover can stimulate your erotic circuitry far more than direct physical stimulation alone.

Recent science now sees the direct connection between mind-bending female orgasmic trance states with the level of positive brain chemicals (the hormones).

The fullness of bliss happens when your mind is sufficiently free of worry, doubt, anxiety, fear and stress — and when you feel the support, reassurance and positive affirmation from a caring and attentive lover.

That’s why women need so much more than simple intercourse-sex with an emotionally unconnected sex partner. Yet men all too often settle for ‘wamm bam boom boom thank you mamm’ sex because they literally do not have the same hormonal needs as you do for achieving their own version of sexual satisfaction and emotional fulfillment.

They can be trained however. And they can be shown that a bigger range of sexual love dynamics becomes far more satisfying for both of you than unromantic sexual intercourse.

Creating An Environment For Sexual Love and Romantic Bliss

Men have a lot to learn. True enough.

And I am one myself. So please bare with me as I attempt to bring this article to a conclusion…

Men may not easily relate to a woman’s need to ‘slow down, build connection, invest more time into romance, be more patient’ and so on.

But most men can relate to the idea of flicking hormone switches, just like they can relate to changing a light bulb.

And you can lead the way.

Focus on controlling those hormone switches yourself first, before expecting a guy to be able to take the lead romantically.

Be your own best lover, first.

Then be open to experiences with men that carry you a little, or a lot, further.

Remember: Relaxation allows for female arousal. Your sense of emotional security is top priority to achieving sexual ecstasy and romantic bliss.

That sense of security is triggered by an environment of warmth and relaxation. Music, soft lighting, attentive and worthy men, loving female friends.

Create an aura around your life full of romantic gesture that you crave in the privacy of your ideal romantic fantasies that perhaps you hide a little too much from your public personality.

Be bold, be free, be you — and follow your bliss.

Your physically-hardwired capacities for sensual/emotional fulfillment can expand through time into more areas of your life as you make choices that bring increasing security, happiness, safety, love, beauty, health, and abundance.

Quality men don’t want to save a ‘damsel in distress’. They won’t mind changing the light bulb though, or learning how to maximize your hormone switches — especially if they understand the mutual benefits of your shared sexual, romantic, loving dynamic.

Worthy men will gravitate to your aura of bliss, bringing you opportunity with ideal partners that carry you further than you are able, or even willing, to go on your own.

The Lost Art Of Spiritual Sex

Blissful relationship involves soooooo many components that most people never, EVER, even begin to wonder about or explore… let alone act on, develop or master.

One of those components is maintaining authenticity between partners — particularly in communication about sex.

And I know. It’s challenging enough to be true to oneself in life. Let alone being completely authentic within the fluid nature of relationship with a second person!

Did you know that a key reason for men seeking divorce from marriage is their dissatisfaction with their partners sexual responsiveness?

If we read into that a little we can assume that’s because the women her self is sexually dissatisfied with the man!

Where are we going wrong?

You wouldn’t marry someone in the first place who was so incompatible in bed, would you?

And yes, body’s change through time, men’s testosterone levels go down, body parts begin to droop, yet communication is the key to sexual unity and romantic bliss.

If the chemistry is right at the beginning of a relationship, sex only becomes bad or boring because of inauthentic communication between the partners.

What we know is that men are ashamed or scared of communicating what they want, or don’t want, in various areas of relationship. Eventually it becomes emotionally easier to break the relationship than to unravel all of the resentment and dissatisfaction that has built over time.

Where do we start?

What clear priorities exist for creating romantic bliss in sustainable relationship? What can give us a symbolic ideal vision of authentic fulfillment for both partners?

One thing perhaps that we can all agree on is the desire for rapturous sex.

The type of mind-bending sexual satisfaction that many people relate to having experienced at times in the past.

Having that experience available again and again symbolizes the height of sustained authentic harmony between partners.

Of course, I don’t mean your average garden variety sex.

Nor do I mean the kind of exciting sex that’s available in weird and wonderful ways through modern dating hook-up sex, kinky sex, BDSM, or swinger sex.

I mean Spiritual Sex.

What is Spiritual Sex?

Before I get into this, please consider again that most people never, EVER, even begin to wonder about or explore… let alone act on, develop or master… the components of authentic relationship.

So what I’m about to describe may strike you as completely unfamiliar, off the wall, kooky, too demanding or even scary.

If you want to create lasting authentic romantic bliss in your life, these insights are absolutely vital because to understand harmony between two people, we must consider our own individual essence, nature and needs.

And that all begins at the root of human experience. Namely, consciousness, the meaning of life and our drive towards pleasure.

If you just want some matter-of-fact tips and techniques on improving your sex life, check out our other articles, take our premium 5-month curriculum, or visit other popular blogs on the web.

This article is a deep-dive into questions of our spiritual connection with existence itself and how that influences the reality of creating authentic romantic bliss.

First, sex isn’t just intercourse. It’s affection. It’s hugs. It’s kissing. It’s carrying out the garbage or any other chore to alleviate stress that interferes with the positive flow of energy for either partner. It’s being there for each other and building that ongoing exciting, satisfying, nurturing, erotically charged tension of enjoying each other in every possible way.

Spiritual Sex means a union of forces, or energies, that permeate the universe. Some call it Yin and Yang. Some call it Kundalini Energy. Some call it Prana or Chi. Some refer to it as Tantra. Wilhelm Reich called it Orgone Energy.

That energy is what we gather through our mind-body-spirit and convert into our life experience, physically and emotionally.

Now For A Little History of Sex and Spirituality

Modern religion and pop culture have buried these spiritual pursuits of physically and emotionally pleasurable fulfillment in a sea of superficial dogma and distraction.

Yet the ideas of Tantra, or ‘sex energy cultivation for spiritual ascension’, permeates spiritual traditions throughout history.

“All of the ancient spiritual traditions have a Tantric component.” – Weiser Field Guide To Ascension: The Meaning of Miracles and Shifts in Consciousness Past and Present – Cal Garrison

Regardless of your interpretation of what ‘god’ means, the importance of sex in modern religion is revealed in the esoteric (hidden, secret, guarded) sides of Judaism, Christianity and Islam within Kabbalah:

“The Kabbalah teaches that … man can achieve total union with God only through sexual intercourse. This is one of the most zealously guarded secrets of the Kabbalah. Because God is made of two principles, male and female, and because they are forever united in perfect harmony, man must also endeavour to achieve perfect harmony in sex with a woman, one woman. According to Kabbalah a man or a woman who has never joined in sex with a member of the opposite sex can never come in contact with God.” – The Complete Book of Spells, Ceremonies, and Magic, Migene González-Wippler

Before modern religions, the Ancient Egyptians prioritized the cultivation of sex energy in spirituality. They believed in “knowing all sixty-four sexual modes as requisite to entering the King’s Chamber to ascend to the next level of consciousness”.

Sex energy also stimulates our genius as identified by Napoleon Hill who researched 100 of the greatest scientists, businessmen and thinkers of his time.

“The desire for sexual expression is by far the strongest and most impelling of all the human emotions, and for this very reason this desire, when harnessed and transmuted into action, other than that of physical expression, may raise one to the status of a genius.
One of America’s most able business men frankly admitted that his attractive secretary was responsible for most of the plans he created. He admitted that her presence lifted him to heights of creative imagination, such as he could experience under no other stimulus..”
– Napoleon Hill

Women’s sexual potential has been hidden from current society too. It turns out that a woman’s conscious awareness, confidence, ability to focus, sense of freedom and fulfillment are all directly linked to the hormonal connections between the brain and her network of sexual circuitry. A topic that we delve into within the 5-month courtship curriculum.

Indeed, The Arc of Romantic Sexual Chemistry Between Man and Woman is Quite Possibly The Most Powerful Force in The Universe.

As such, romantic bliss via all elements of spiritual sex is the noble and crucial goal for creating maximum fulfillment in life.

So here’s…

How to Create Spiritual Sex with your Partner

In a nut shell, the formula is quite straightforward…

Be honest. Be open. Be adventurous.
Communicate without negative judgement.
Tell each other what you enjoy and don’t enjoy.
Create time and space to indulge and explore.
Nurture each others sense of security and consideration.
Show that you want to create and protect the preciousness of your shared connection.
Accept that you have separate individual perspectives and preferences.
Honor the differences. Support each other to achieve your individual life goals
and pursue your shared and separate interests.
And then practice, practice, practice giving each other maximum pleasure.

Of course, that’s all easier said than done.

So the art of Spiritual Sex is actually the pursuit of a completely fulfilling relationship. And that just might be the very meaning of life.

Again, sex isn’t just intercourse.

It’s affection. It’s hugs. It’s kissing.

It’s alleviating stress that interferes
with positive energy for both of you.

It’s being there for each other
and building an ongoing exciting,
satisfying, nurturing, erotically charged tension
through enjoying each other in every possible way.

 Spiritual Sex is taught throughout the Courtship Curriculum
with emphasis on principles and techniques in Modules 1, 4 and 5.

Dogma and Tantra [debate about what Tantra means]

Tantra teacher Sheea (pictured above) shared this message:

I love empowering young men with Tantra! Makes them a better lover 4 Life!

Sean replied saying:

Tantra is about using sexual energy for higher pursuits such as enlightenment…not about fucking or full-body orgasms. At least call what you do “American Tantra”.

Here’s how the debate between myself and Sean went down:


Sean, what you describe sounds more like indian tantra. Taoist tantra is very much about sexual pleasure too. And being better lovers, having better relationships with our partners, is enlightenment


We probably have different definitions of ‘Tantra’ and ‘enlightenment’. To say “Indian Tantra” is like saying a “German Shepard dog”. You can make curry in America and call it Indian curry, but that doesn’t make it so.

In the last couple decades or so, in the west, the word Tantra has become a blanket term to describe anything dealing with sex and psychology, self improvement, mysticism or spirituality. The New Age likes to take that which is sacred to Hindus, redefine it, make it marketable and claim it as their own.

And while Toaist Tantra may concentrate on various sexual techniques, pleasure and such; it’s goal still transcends the physical. Tantra and its teachings actually refer to Yogic techniques expounded by Indian/Hindu Yogis, sages, scholars and pundits from the middle ages. I have no problem with sex or Toaism. There both great. I’m just a purist I guess.


The goal of taoist tantra does not ‘transcend’ the physical. The physical is an inherent aspect of Taoist philosophy.


And criticizing the use of a word for the sake of being historically/traditionally accurate is more dogmatic than purist.

Sean Really?

I totally agree with the sentiment of superficiality in new-age culture though.


I suggest what’s required is a fusion of sense (physical/current/modern experience) and sensibility (depth of insight/etymology/history/context)


Being a practicing Hindu for 30 years now, I like to keep some integrity to things like Tantra and Yoga…but you can make up whatever definition you like…but in doing so, it is you who are being dogmatic. I will take notice of what Tantra has become in the west during the last decade if you take notice of what it’s been and how it has evolved in India over the last three centuries. Deal?


Sean, ‘integrity’ via your own personal experience of history. I suggest you learn not to accuse people of lacking integrity just because they use alternate word meanings as you.


My own personal experience with history? Really? Can you tell me about India’s history? About the history of Tantra? Hinduism?


Actually, you seem smart but what do you know about such things? You’ve a read a few books and been to a workshop or whatever…and now your an expert?


No I can’t. It’s not in my personal experience. What is, is the approach of Tantra as per Taoism. And Taoism recognizes pleasure and physicality as core to spirituality. Apparently unlike Indian Tantra (as per the limited personal experience I’ve had with it). And the comparison given in various books of right and left tantra.


I practice Taoist Tantra as per Master Mantak Chia. I’m not an expert on Tantra.


Do you have orgasms?


Whatever, I was studying/practicing Toaist Tantra and the Toa Te Ching before you were born. Why don’t you take your condescending arrogance and shove it up you ass…see if that brings you pleasure and enlightenment…which are one in the same according to you. I doubt you even know what the word ‘Tantra’ means. Cheers.

Hmm, nice guy. His Facebook profile shows him as ‘Ayurvedic consultant & teacher of Vedantic meditation’. With a job title like that I would have expected him to be a little more tolerant etc. You might be able to find the Facebook comment thread here.

Keep your relationships aflame with erotic intelligence [video]

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner.

But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise.

So how do you sustain desire?

With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.


The crisis of desire is often the crisis of imagination

If love was a verb it would be ‘to have’. If desire was a verb it would be ‘to want’.

2 principles of finding desire within relationship:

  1. Create experiences of absence and longing
  2. Find ways to experience each partners radiance and confidence from living in their element (to heighten sense of mystery, newness, discovery)

Spirit Sex Love seminar with David Deida

David Deida lets it rip in Byron Bay, bringing great humor, wisdom, and light to the perennial issues surrounding love, intimacy, sexuality, and spirituality.

This 12 part series presents the entirety of the professionally produced video Spirit Sex Love, which offers a lively demonstration of David’s teaching methods and an introduction to his teachings on sexuality, spiritual growth, and true intimacy.

Part 1 below. If you like that, continue onto YouTube for the full series: David Deida Spirit Sex Love seminar.