How To Connect With Men At The Deepest Level (for empowered single women)

You may think you’ve seen, heard or read all of the dating and relationship advice that’s out there.

And a lot of that advice is excellent. However, you know it yourself that:

Intimacy is almost uncharted territory in today’s modern world of sexual liberation, casual dating and relationship failure.

From a combination of new science, modern psychology, ancient philosophy, and current coaching results with ‘conscious men’ and ‘evolved women’, a code has emerged with an entirely new approach to dating men.

What is it?

A sequence of emotional experiences that give men the personal space they need to trust in the process of building deeply intimate connection in relationship.

So compelling to male psychology that it makes men subconsciously feel they have been close to you for years — even if you’ve only recently met.

It’s the safest path for creating heart-felt, authentic connection between you and almost any man you choose — without using manipulation techniques that lead to weak ties and inauthentic communication. And without any risk of scaring him off.

It works just the same if you’re single, currently in a stale relationship, or just want your ex back.

How can that be?

Because authentic intimacy is the essence of all successful relationships. So you might wonder:

Is It Just A Communication Thing?

Unfortunately, most men can’t help because they have no idea how to communicate their real emotional needs for building that special connection.


If it was only about communication, psychologists would have given us the solution by now. Marriage counselors have been trying for decades… and divorce rate is still +50%!

As it turns out, the problem goes much deeper than how men and women communicate.

Our physiology… brain patterns… emotional baggage… hormonal responses… and neurological triggers all play a role in the battle of the sexes.

Deep emotional intimacy depends on each partner’s deepest sense of identity while coming together with emotional respect and mutual support.


FIRST, if you haven’t figured this out already, you should know: The dating industry is broken.

No wonder there’s a men’s movement called ‘Men Going Their Own Way’.

And no wonder loving women like you do not know men’s true needs for creating loving intimacy — and it’s not your fault.

The sad fact is that you’ve been unknowingly misguided when it comes to attracting intimacy and this is the MAIN reason you’ve been let down by relationships…

Time for something drastically new!

Fixing The Male Intimacy Problem

Science now explains why men abandon relationship commitment:

It turns out that men choose commitment based on intuition from their gut.

A collection of neurons about the size of a cat’s brain involved with anxiety and the emotions of security, self-identity and courage.

To a man, commitment can feel like a trap — depending on how you approach it.

That doesn’t mean they want to be ‘free’ from heart-felt, sensual, loving harmony.

What it means is: They need a relationship that liberates them from feelings of constraint and limitation.

That you make them feel a higher capacity for life’s adventure, rather than held back by routine or unable to truly be themselves.

But your higher capacity of love can feel threatening.

Women’s heart-based intuition and capacity for empathy, compassion and love work at a faster rate than a man’s (as measured by EEG and heart rate variability to pre-stimulus response).

Your higher capacity for love forces men to subconsciously back off and go into defensive mode — by triggering the gut response to protect their self-identity.

The solution involves…

Changing Your Pace Of Emotional Entanglement

The pace of dating and courtship either builds deep bonds — or brings the unstable new relationship down like a house of cards…

Since women (in general) approach commitment from their heart, they seek intimate emotional connection way too early for a man’s process.

Due to a man’s psychology, there is an intimacy code that all mature, quality men live by. Even when they don’t know it consciously.

Some women stumble onto parts of this code by trial-and-error. Often after years of heartbreak… a lot of reflection… and some luck.

By learning The Intimacy Code now, you give yourself the best possible chance of nurturing authentic romance with someone truly special.

The Intimacy Code satisfies the emotional needs of a man’s brain-chemistry that directly controls his ‘fight or flight’ triggers. It’s the most direct path to trust and the foundation for harmonious relationship. Nurture the most authentically intimate connection with modern man today with The Intimacy Code.

It’s The Key To Authentic Intimacy

Not too long ago: A female friend called me in despair…

“My circumstances are overwhelming,” she cried “why do you even still talk to me?”

Her attitude is more common than we like to admit.

At first, I suggested my friend “think on paper,”…

…taking all of her overwhelming thoughts and gushing them out in writing.

This has many benefits: a sense of control, organizing issues, giving the self permission to express its truths, instantly reducing overwhelm, and so on.

“But,” she said, “I already wrote it down”.

Perfect, the next step is to ask yourself this question:

“What am I resisting?”, for each item that adds to your sense of overwhelm.

People are in conflict with the world around them, their personal relationships, and especially their loved ones—because at various levels we fail to fully acknowledge, accept and love our own selves.

This makes it difficult to either love others, or be loved by others, making deep intimate connection almost impossible — despite it being our greatest desire.

This is the journey of self-discovery that heals and empowers

This is the process of authenticity that can be emotionally difficult to tolerate; especially when we’re miserable, feel like victims of circumstance, and want others to care and love us.

It has to start from the self.

Self-love through authentic awareness of our own resistance to growth and change enables intimate sharing to take place with other people.

And what is intimacy, really? It’s not sex. It’s not when two people with emotional walls, big barriers, and lack of self-acceptance get together and rub their bodies together for distraction or complain about life, while wallowing in self-pity. Intimacy is based on authentic connection.

And our authentic self is always empowered.

We are powerful, capable and mighty beings. Our weaknesses are based on false fears, beliefs and identities that we cling to for a variety of reasons. None of which are deeply authentic.

They are habits. They give us excuses. They allow us to at least feel something, anything — because we aren’t used to feeling good.

Connection with a significant other, be it family member or lover, depends on your authentic self meeting their authentic self

This can involve supporting each other’s weaknesses, wounds, confusions and fears, but only from an orientation of positive growth, learning and change. This is who we are. Our authentic self is full of love’s light.

My friend wanted circumstances to be different. She wanted people to be nicer, life to be easier. She also recognized that her identity is rooted in struggle. After all, she wants to write a best-selling novel about the struggles in her life.

I said, “Don’t live your life in the moment as if you’re a character in a book. Readers want to know your authentic journey of accomplishment, not your self-indulgent struggle with conflict.”

And in some way, isn’t it true that we all attempt to play a character, or a role throughout our life based on our past experiences?

For better or for worse.

Subconsciously, we seek to re-create the larger-than-life and care-free experiences of our early childhood. My friend sought that through other people’s capacity to share with her, accept her, and love her.

However: She became over-sensitive to what seemed like their rejection, refusal and limitations.

Intimacy is the bridge for connecting through authenticity.

Conscious relationships start by recognizing that we are the central force and greatest power in our life experience

First, recognizing our individual journey that we choose to openly share with a partner. And second, acknowledging that our partner is going through their own individuated journey.

Only by respecting differences and boundaries do we have a chance to appreciate and fully connect at the level of similarities. Our own authenticity lets us connect to the authenticity of another.

This makes communication key to a conscious relationship. Creating a safe space of listening, empathy and acceptance of each other’s experience is the key to authentic communication.

Does that mean unconditional love?

No, sorry, it doesn’t; because authenticity is a condition.

If love was unconditional we would always feel full of love—no matter what.

On the one hand, we can relate to the popular wishful thinking for unconditional love because it represents a place of total loving harmony with feelings of absolute safety and security wrapped in the nurturing embrace of a deeply intimate connection (makes me want it just thinking about it).

However, when you step back to consider the practicalities of unconditional love or unconditional acceptance we realize that maintaining love’s harmony is just like maintaining health.

It’s not automatic; it doesn’t happen without effort, focus, discipline and attention to detail — these are conditions.

The more we embrace the efforts required to be more open and loving, the more love we bring into our lives. Intimacy begins with vulnerability. My friend is well on that road.

Don’t demand that your intimate partner accept who you are unconditionally. Demand they accept you as you are because they believe in who you are becoming.

We are all on the same shared road of emotional, psychological and spiritual growth towards absolute self-love that emerges from complete authenticity.

Take The Intimacy Code online course to learn how to attract and nurture authentic intimacy with modern man.

Moments Of Love & Conflict On A Euro-Trip

Are you sensitive to moments of love and moments of aggression?

* The foreign ticket-office lady who rolls her eyes at hearing my English rather than her own language…

* The kind man who tries to help me catch my next train and is rudely treated by another man in the line…

* The floor cleaner whose machine breaks and floods the floor with soapy water… his obvious embarrassment, frustration and dejection as he tidies up and slinks away…

* The train inspector who has that air of personality which welcomes and invites, making me smile with gratitude as I step aboard.

* The man buying a ticket who I feel so sorry for when he turns to a fit of panic at realizing that someone has just stolen his bag.

* Or the money exchange guy clearly disgruntled at having to give me fair value due to the watchful eye of a very helpful, perfect English speaking, customs inspector…

Every day seems filled with micro-moments of ‪love‬ and ‪violence‬.

Some would say I attract what I focus on…

To an extent yes. Although we can’t be held responsible for all of the moody people we come across. Or blamed for our empathy with negative human experience…

So let’s be a little more specific:

Do you attract MORE of what you focus on?

Yes, I believe so.

So my own biggest goal for 2016 is this:

Create space for more moments of love.

Dogma and Tantra [debate about what Tantra means]

Tantra teacher Sheea (pictured above) shared this message:

I love empowering young men with Tantra! Makes them a better lover 4 Life!

Sean replied saying:

Tantra is about using sexual energy for higher pursuits such as enlightenment…not about fucking or full-body orgasms. At least call what you do “American Tantra”.

Here’s how the debate between myself and Sean went down:


Sean, what you describe sounds more like indian tantra. Taoist tantra is very much about sexual pleasure too. And being better lovers, having better relationships with our partners, is enlightenment


We probably have different definitions of ‘Tantra’ and ‘enlightenment’. To say “Indian Tantra” is like saying a “German Shepard dog”. You can make curry in America and call it Indian curry, but that doesn’t make it so.

In the last couple decades or so, in the west, the word Tantra has become a blanket term to describe anything dealing with sex and psychology, self improvement, mysticism or spirituality. The New Age likes to take that which is sacred to Hindus, redefine it, make it marketable and claim it as their own.

And while Toaist Tantra may concentrate on various sexual techniques, pleasure and such; it’s goal still transcends the physical. Tantra and its teachings actually refer to Yogic techniques expounded by Indian/Hindu Yogis, sages, scholars and pundits from the middle ages. I have no problem with sex or Toaism. There both great. I’m just a purist I guess.


The goal of taoist tantra does not ‘transcend’ the physical. The physical is an inherent aspect of Taoist philosophy.


And criticizing the use of a word for the sake of being historically/traditionally accurate is more dogmatic than purist.

Sean Really?

I totally agree with the sentiment of superficiality in new-age culture though.


I suggest what’s required is a fusion of sense (physical/current/modern experience) and sensibility (depth of insight/etymology/history/context)


Being a practicing Hindu for 30 years now, I like to keep some integrity to things like Tantra and Yoga…but you can make up whatever definition you like…but in doing so, it is you who are being dogmatic. I will take notice of what Tantra has become in the west during the last decade if you take notice of what it’s been and how it has evolved in India over the last three centuries. Deal?


Sean, ‘integrity’ via your own personal experience of history. I suggest you learn not to accuse people of lacking integrity just because they use alternate word meanings as you.


My own personal experience with history? Really? Can you tell me about India’s history? About the history of Tantra? Hinduism?


Actually, you seem smart but what do you know about such things? You’ve a read a few books and been to a workshop or whatever…and now your an expert?


No I can’t. It’s not in my personal experience. What is, is the approach of Tantra as per Taoism. And Taoism recognizes pleasure and physicality as core to spirituality. Apparently unlike Indian Tantra (as per the limited personal experience I’ve had with it). And the comparison given in various books of right and left tantra.


I practice Taoist Tantra as per Master Mantak Chia. I’m not an expert on Tantra.


Do you have orgasms?


Whatever, I was studying/practicing Toaist Tantra and the Toa Te Ching before you were born. Why don’t you take your condescending arrogance and shove it up you ass…see if that brings you pleasure and enlightenment…which are one in the same according to you. I doubt you even know what the word ‘Tantra’ means. Cheers.

Hmm, nice guy. His Facebook profile shows him as ‘Ayurvedic consultant & teacher of Vedantic meditation’. With a job title like that I would have expected him to be a little more tolerant etc. You might be able to find the Facebook comment thread here.

Keep your relationships aflame with erotic intelligence [video]

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner.

But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise.

So how do you sustain desire?

With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.


The crisis of desire is often the crisis of imagination

If love was a verb it would be ‘to have’. If desire was a verb it would be ‘to want’.

2 principles of finding desire within relationship:

  1. Create experiences of absence and longing
  2. Find ways to experience each partners radiance and confidence from living in their element (to heighten sense of mystery, newness, discovery)

Spirit Sex Love seminar with David Deida

David Deida lets it rip in Byron Bay, bringing great humor, wisdom, and light to the perennial issues surrounding love, intimacy, sexuality, and spirituality.

This 12 part series presents the entirety of the professionally produced video Spirit Sex Love, which offers a lively demonstration of David’s teaching methods and an introduction to his teachings on sexuality, spiritual growth, and true intimacy.

Part 1 below. If you like that, continue onto YouTube for the full series: David Deida Spirit Sex Love seminar.

How Does the Brain React to a Romantic Breakup?

by Chelsea Brennan, Minneapolis

You’re in the midst of a breakup and feel like a different person.

You find yourself spending a lot of time longing for your ex, constantly checking her Facebook updates, and wondering what went wrong.

This shift in patterns of thought and behavior may be caused by neural changes that occur after a breakup.

Continue reading at How Does the Brain React to a Romantic Breakup?

Ego is the spirit’s protector

Archetypes, pre-conscious experience and spiritual naivety feed our spirit with unfilterred content…

If that content is not filterred and discerned through awareness of context and honest judgement of experience… then spirit and intuition become full of bias, dogma and falsehood.

Want to trust your intuition? Remember GIGO: Garbage In, Garbage Out…

Because without due diligence of what goes into our system, our feminine aspect experiences deep conflict, confusion and mistrust. The world doesn’t make sense… Ego (our sense of self, individuality and uniqueness) becomes an easy target to blame. In fact, it is to blame, because it wasn’t strong enough to do it’s real job…

(Sidenote: In emotional turmoil the feminine side of us then claims that judging, hostility and blame come FROM the ego and should be eliminated. Hence the double contradiction of judging judgement. This doubles-down the efforts to suppress ego. Ultimately this blocks the flow of love.)


  • Emotional clarity only emerges from the focus of our penetrative masculine energy: our ego.
  • Ego thrives in the expansive dancing universe of our emotionally open and ecstatic feminine energy: our spirit.


As such:

  • Ego is the protector of spirit.
  • Spirit is the vessel of ego.

Or more simply:

  • Ego is consciousness (left brain).
  • Spirit is emotion (right brain).

Why give yourself a lobotomy, cutting off one side of your fullness of being?

Embrace symbiosis. Balance the swirling tension between opposite poles.

  • Spirit around ego.
  • Ego in spirit.

A chat on the characteristics of Ego

‘Eve’ shared a similar graphic on Facebook as this…


Is this anywhere near accurate?

What about ‘Power Of Now’ author Eckhart Tolle’s view that…


“The ego is a false sense of self based on mental concepts. It is identification with the body and mind – identification with form, which primarily means thought forms”

I commented:

In the very act of saying ‘the ego is… something’, Eckhart Tolle uses identification of thought form (the ‘is’ of identity) in attempting to criticise the use of identification thought forms.

He demonstrates dependence on the very thing he wants to eliminate and thus sinks into a quagmire of inner conflict and contradiction.

This list is not a result of strong ego, it’s a result of weak ego.

Strong ego brings individuality, which correlates with value-based toleration, clarity-based independence, and self-based acceptance.

Eve then replied saying: there’s only EGO, no strong or weak. Ego is EGO.

And here’s how the conversation unfolded…

I said:

Does strong and weak love exist?

Eve said: i have no idea.? and if I did have a clue.. I’d say.. LOVE is LOVE… and there’s only ONE LOVE.? ?you won’t be able to understand ego until you have a strong sense of your own emotions

Do you love your yoga classes to the same degree that you love brushing your teeth? Does strong and weak anger exist?

Eve JEEEEEEZ Gav…. I don’t analyze my love for everything I do that way. I just live it. I don’t judge and measure my love for yoga and brushing my teeth… I just know that it feels good when I do.? ?Like how angry are you right now because I’m challenging your ego identifications about ego and love? the only difference of strong and weak is your perception

Then why do you attempt to persist in analysing and judging ego and claim with such dogmatic certainty that strong or ego does not exist, only ego? or only ‘one love’?

Eve this is how angry I am (smiley) (heart)

So the only different of strong or weak starbucks coffee is your perception of it, not what’s actually in the cup?

Eve read the 2nd last paragraph of the list. that’s you.

As to the 2nd from last paragraph, I don’t believe arguing like this is futile, because I have hope for you and others stuck in this self-destructive anti-ego dogma.

Eve yes, exactly. you may like the coffee… and drink it. but i prefer tea.

I didn’t ask if you like the coffee, I asked if the coffee being strong or weak is only about your perception or if it’s also about the amount of ingredients in it?

Eve Actually I love my ego, its what’s teaching me to become better. I would like to study my thought patterns and feelings and understand why I re-act the way I do when I have ego-trips.

I know the monsters within me, they’ve been with me for as long as I can remember. My ego is the hurt that I had ignored my whole life and getting to know these feelings help me heal. As I pay attention to these emotions and embrace them, I heal myself.

which is the reason why I posted the caption above the photo, to ask spirit for guidance.

ego and spirit are the two guiding forces of the soul.

A big kiss for you Eve. I love you (‘this much’) and I prey for your ego realisation to happen sooner rather than later, for your own sake, your own enjoyment of life, and because I believe you’ll make an incredible huntress for change.

Yes I appreciate you expressing your ‘ego is hurt that you ignored’. It’s not the enemy. It’s not to be eliminated. It’s to be strengthened!

Eve I know you PREY for my EGO and not PRAY for it.

Prey! haha

Eve watch those thought patterns… I’m a huntress. (smiley)

I then thought about the issues involved and wrote this blog titled Ego is the spirit’s protector.

Heart Break Poem

I just lost my dream,
My body shivers through emotional pain.

I opened my heart,
I tried to connect,
but what in the end did I gain?

A careful attempt at openness and care,
Treading cautiously forwards,
Into the mist of uncertain relation.

The risk of trusting,
Natures lusting.
Little by little,
My soul laid bare.

And then a breach!
Unintentional but clear.

My face now forlorn,
My pupils in shocked dilation.

It feels such a burdensome shame.
Is all that’s left just a game of blame?

Yet regardless of reason,
Theres no doubt in my mind,
That despite a repeat of this pain…

…As they say,
It is blind!

I will… love… again.

Perhaps even her.
If we can fix our mis-communication…

But not today,
I am broken,
and in pain.

27th January 2013