I was 15. Confused. Alone.
Desperately frustrated… with life, with the stagnant now, with myself.
Sitting in the middle of my bedroom, I gave myself permission.
Permission to feel, to express, to… cry.
Until that moment I hadn’t done that. I hadn’t faced the truths that lay within.
The actual bodily experience of my discombobulated journey through life thus far.
I cried deep. A slow wail and deep sobbing shook me, but I didn’t turn away. Not this time.
I went inside to look at my inner self, to see what I would… or could find.
Darkness engulfed me and soon, stillness.
Yet a new movement soon began.
Downwards, deeper and deeper, down into what I’ve recently learned is represented by the ‘Tan Tien’, the abdominal brain, a collection of neurons (‘brain’ cells) that each of us has around our small intestines.
A focal point of some spiritual meditative practices.
The experience was of sinking into a vastness of empty space…
empty relative to the noisy chaotic disorder of normal waking experience…
or certainly compared to the frustrated, confused and lonely young man.
Then, like a spaceship nearing a planet, my vision slowed as I neared a circle of light.
A cloudy hazy ring of effervescent exuberance, surrounding a distinct central dot.
On encountering this point, I had a realisation that
has been impressed upon my consciousness every since.
The realisation that this was my essence, my center.. and nothing could shake me from it.
That it was absolutely whole and fulfilled. And completely safe.
Neither lacking anything or needing anything. In a word, perfect.
I hovered there for just a moment, a moment that seemed fleeting yet full.
And I began to travel back from where I had come.
Back up, back out of the vastness within.
As I returned gradually to the room, my bedroom,
the sensations of my body returned and I realised my face was dry. No tears.
My face was relaxed. Not contorted by pain.
My brow was straight. Not frowning from confusion or frustration.
And my heart was floating. Not burdened by the previous weight of anguish.
I noticed the room was darker now than when I had sat down, because the sky outside was darker.
Some hours had passed though I don’t know exactly how long.
I haven’t felt comfortable sharing this experience for more than 15 years.
But it has become relevant for me in sharing with significant others,
or helping some through their own darkness and into the light.
And now feels time to share it with the world, or at least, whoever visits my site.
If you have a similar experience, I would love to hear of it.
I have found only one description that seems to closely match what I experienced, and that’s in a book by Taoist Master Mantak Chia.
So recently I have taken on the project to re-explore the same meditative route
(minus the frustration and confusion) down into that dark vastness to again reconnect with that circle and dot of light at my center.
On that day some 15-years ago I felt with certainty, yet at a loss for words, just as day follows night that:
The dot was both myself and it was god.
My connection to the energetically yin flux of the great cosmos is uncontrollable yet perfectly navigable, just as the rolling oceans
My single pointedness of penetrative yang consciousness must focus on living and loving creation.
This eternal quest embodies the will of the universe.
It’s what I call ‘God’s Dot’.
I am that I am.
And you too.
“The eternal silence of these infinite spaces fills me with dread.” – Blaise Pascal (1623 – 1662)
Pascal may have discovered the same inner vastness, yet he didn’t connect with his genuine divinity.
So following his “night of fire”, he lost himself forever by converting to Christianity.