She doesn’t like being a woman… (and who can blame her)

Natasha feels judged and disrespected. Unhappy being female in today’s society.

If she expresses her femininity she feels ‘treated like an object’.

At 23 this young lady feels distant from her own feminine essence — and she wonders if things would be better as a man…

If only she knew…

My world as a man is also stuck in a space of stereotyped judgments and emotional restriction.

Among other men, a man maintains a poised air of readiness or competitiveness. It’s ever present in male dialogue, even among most friends. Male psychology is always inquiring, seeking, questioning, judging. Unless the man has completely given up his personal-power and instead become a pot-smoking computer-gaming wimp.


If a man finds clarity of conviction with a lightness of being and becomes easy to express love as the simplest most natural thing in the world… then women are skeptical… so he learns to cover up his emotional availability — returning to the familiar world of masculine bravado.

Then women complain about men’s emotional unavailability!

What have we done to ourselves!!

How do we re-discover our natural liberated sense of life and our truest self expression, without the gut wrenching struggle to conform with cultural standards or social judgements?

Re-Discovering Our Liberated Authenticity

Courage is a part of it.

Accepting moments of embarrassment when we stand out from the crowd is part of it.

Strengthening our resolve to express our authenticity is part of it.

And in our relationships we seek the other part… 

A partnership that lets us be more free to find and express our deepest selves than we can accomplish by being single and alone.


A loving partner who helps us explore and fulfill our curiosities, interests, ambitions and purpose.

THAT is what we SHOULD mean by ‘unconditional love’…

To love one another so freely that we are willing to ‘lose’ that person in pursuing his or her hearts true calling for transformation — if it happens to lean in a direction so different to our own.

That’s not relationship failure. That’s relationship success!

Yet the trouble with most relationships is when partners push each other into rigid roles, seeking security with superficial expectations of ‘loyalty forever’, suffocating our self-identity, rather than enhancing it.

‘Relationship’ and ‘Love’ become tools of manipulation and control rather than experiences of relating to similarities, empathizing with differences and truly feeling goodwill towards the uniqueness of each others individual identities.

Instead, we suffer from judgements, restrictions, expectations, insecurities, and sacrifices.

My insightful young friend suggested there should be a 3rd gender that we get to choose. Not male or female — not transvestite cross-dresser either!

Perhaps what she is searching for might best be described as androgyny.

Seeking Androgyny?

Which doesn’t mean having both male and female sex organs.

It’s a union of the masculine and feminine principles or energies.

* When men can heartily express their feminine softness and deep soulful need for compassion, connection, and sweet surrender.

* When women can express strong gutsy drive, physical desire, frank opinions, and clear courage.

A recognition of our capacities for all forms of energy, attitude and experience.


Her current view of not wanting to be a woman due to the pressure of restrictive cultural attitudes… while thinking that being a man would be any easier or better… becomes an evasion, an escape, a rejection of reality.

My friend must find her authentic voice, self-fulfillment and authentic expression as the form she has. Through her femininity.

By eliminating concern for social convention she can become free to truly be a woman in her fullness — including energies that we relate to as masculine and feminine.

And that is a central value of… dare I say ‘metaphysical function’… of nurturing conscious relationships.

Yin and Yang that swirl together.

Two sides of the same coin.

The beauty of authentic intimacy comes from allowing both partners to push their limits and enjoy each others polar opposite energies, while playing with the mixtures.

Yes we can find ways to ‘change roles’ and play with a free flow of moment-to-moment experience, expression and experiment.

The point is that we should be free to express as we wish, within the authenticity of our essential nature and individual inclinations.

To own our most authentic self and power without worry of external judgement.

To have deep intimate connection that lets us push the boundaries and experience a union of polar opposites.

To find similarity in difference…

To abandon all these words and just feeeel what’s right for ourselves within the dynamic and flow of rhythmic, respectful, empathic relationship.

Freedom to experience and express moving, shifting, swirling moods and modes of being so that we find our best internal balance for maximum authenticity.

Fully owning the self through the deepest symbiotic sharing with a partner.

To be that vehicle for our own individuality and to share that self expression with a co-conspirator who ‘gets’ us and lets us be true to our fullest self.

This I believe is the goal of intimacy.

Shared Union Through Self-Identity

Then my young friend would feel grounded in her body and spirit as a woman. Whole. Powerful. Protected. Open to express her many sides.

Union of our multi-faceted self, made possible through relation with others — especially with our most authentically intimate lovers.

Because it turns out, we can not be individually whole without the synergy that comes from relation with a partner.

Not because they ‘complete’ us. But because they give us more space to ‘be’ than we can create for ourselves alone.

Maximum authenticity through deep intimacy.

Man and woman relating… and in a sense, unifying, through our genuine similarities and differences.

Putting the social attitudes of gender roles, stigmas and prejudice aside, we do discover essential differences:

* Woman’s body reflects the manifestation of ‘feminine’ energy: the womb of life and of sexual receptivity. Open. Nurturing. Loving. Vulnerability. Surrender.

* Man’s body reflects the manifestation of ‘masculine’ energy: the forward movement of penetrative power and gutsy determination. Strong. Focused. Directed. Commanding.

Ancient Chinese philosophy put it this way:

“The Heart is the Emperor. The Gut is the General.”

Through fear, confusion and disconnection the General (masculine energy) has run amok throughout human history.

We’ve lost connection with our greatest hearts yearning for compassion (feminine energy).

Women have been suppressed and denied their rightful position as Emperor (or should I say Empress).

Our world has suffered without seeking and honoring guidance from the feminine heart.

This world of aggression, competition, and war is our result…

In that sense, I have become a feminist.

I believe the world desperately needs the rise of the female energy, heart power, the rightful Empress to influence the gutsy builders of technology, economy and social structure towards a new form of prosperity based on loving harmony.

Our reward just might be eternal romantic bliss for all.


The time for authentic intimacy is NOW.

I sense a new world rising.

Scientific Evidence Of Women’s Heart-Based Intuition

New brain research proves that women’s hearts are generally more emotionally attuned than men’s…

No great surprise there, but the implications run deep.

First, The Science

Scientific research demonstrates that intuition is not only real, but works system-wide including in and around the heart-brain (not just in the head-brain). That is; intuition depends on the neural network around the heart.

When the heart-brain is closer to coherence (in harmony with the head-brain), intuition works better.

And overall, women’s hearts respond with intuitive insight more often, faster and more accurately than men.

“…females are more attuned to information from the heart … especially when the coherent mode is activated … we also found that females were more responsive [intuitive] to prestimulus information than males.” –

Electrophysiological Evidence of Intuition: Part 2. A System-Wide Process?, Journal of Alternative And Complementary Medicine Volume 10, Number 2, 2004, pp. 325-336

Basic Implications:

  • Women who experience comforting loving security develop stronger intuition.
  • Since men have lower intuitive capacity than women, men will tend to be distrustful of women’s intuition (at least in early stage or conflicted relationships).
  • Build harmony and trust by not pushing your intuitive insights onto a man, giving him space to learn to trust your inner wisdom…
  • … and don’t expect your intuition to be giving you valid messages if you are stressed and not in emotional balance
  • Work synergistically in relationship to develop the conditions that support your intuition and your man’s ability to trust your intuition.

Citations from the research paper:

for HRV the males showed a prestimulus response only in the baseline physiologic mode, whereas the females had a significant response in both the baseline and coherent modes.

Especially noteworthy is the apparent interaction between the HBEPs and ERPs in the females, which suggests that the heart modulates the ERP and that females are more attuned to intuitive information from the heart.

Overall, our data suggest that the heart and brain, together, are involved in receiving, processing, and decoding intuitive information.

On the basis of these results and those of other research, it would thus appear that intuitive perception is a system-wide process in which both the heart and brain (and possibly other bodily systems) play a critical role.

Consistent with cultural views of gender differences in intuitive aptitude, we also found that females were more responsive to prestimulus information than males.

Increased negativity in the emotional trial ERPs was clearly observed in the females, who also had a significant heart rate deceleration and significantly different heartbeat- evoked potentials. In condition 1 (baseline psychophysio- logic mode), the females’ ERPs for the emotional trials had greater negativity, which was maintained throughout the prestimulus period.

The most interesting gender difference emerged from the ERP and HBEP data. In general, the females appear to process the prestimulus information more frontally (FP1 and FP2), while the males process it more in the posterior regions of the brain (T5, P3, O1, and O2).

In the coherent condition, the females’ emotional trial ERPs did not have the increased negativity and were therefore not significantly different, but their HBEPs were significantly different. In this condition, the HBEPs start at a more negative level and shift sharply positive, apparently reducing the overall negativity of the ERPs (see Figs. 3 and 4). Thus, it would appear that afferent input from the heart plays an important role in modulating activity in the frontal cortex.

In short, taken as a whole, these findings suggest that females are more attuned to information from the heart, especially when the coherent mode is activated.

some aspect of our perceptual apparatus is continuously scanning the future

both the heart and brain appear to receive and respond to information about a future emotional stimulus prior to actually experiencing the stimulus. The fact that the heart is involved in the perception of a future external event is a surprising, even astounding result, especially from the classical perspective that assigns the brain an exclusive role.

Yet, along with other great thinkers, Einstein understood this long ago that

“[O]nly intuition, resting on sympathetic understanding, can lead to [these laws]; . . . the daily effort comes from no deliberate intention or program, but straight from the heart” (quoted in Keller, 1983).

Other references to this study:

  • “Women appeared to have a greater sensitivity to future emotional stimuli” –
  • “The heart has been regarded as a conduit for wisdom beyond our normal awareness by virtually all human cultures, ancient and modern.” – The Grand Illusion: A Synthesis of Science and Spirituality

The Heroine’s Journey for Authenticity and Intimacy

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy…

I’m not saying it will be fast…

And it will take you deeper into yourself than ever before. Yikes!

But the reward is a level of emotional closeness that you have perhaps only ever truly experienced in your hearts deep yearning.

Yet, there is a way to make it real. A way that builds the bridge of connection between male and female. By aligning with the code in male psychology that allows him to trust the process of falling in love with you.

5 emotional experiences that you can give him, in sequence, that build his interest, passion, integrity and commitment.

It’s probably the safest and surest way to approach relationships for deep emotional connection, true romance and loving harmony.

And it perfectly aligns with the heroic journey of your life.

I’ll write more about this as part of a series soon. For now, here’s the diagram I use in my coaching.

Transformational Journeys for Authenticity & Intimacy

Curios Possibilities ~  A Magic Wand ~ Crossing The Threshold ~ Journey Begins


First, we choose your Quest out of the 6 that lead to authentic and intimate relationship commitment. Then we’ll consider your Origins (starting point and background). We’ll then cross the threshold and begin the journey of transformation.

More on this coming soon. Subscribe for updates.

15k+ views on ElephantJournal: Key To Authentic Intimacy

My debut article for Elephant Journal had over 2,500 likes within a few short hours…. 10k views in 2 days… then past 15k views a couple days later!

And quite a few people have contacted me about the article. All very positive.

It seems ‘authenticity in relationship’ hits a deep nerve. Something we all perhaps secretly long for and struggle with.

If only we had that level of traffic for On Intimacy 🙂

Working on it…

If you haven’t seen it already, head on over to the article at Elephant Journal: The Key To Authentic Intimacy.

The 8 Yoga Sutras For Intimate Conscious Relationship

Part 1 – Where I Got My Start With Yoga
Part 2 – How Sex, Yoga and Intimacy Combine (this page)

How Sex, Yoga, and Intimacy Combine

As an Intermediate to Advanced yoga practitioner, you’ll know yoga is not just about Asana poses.

The goal of yoga as expressed in The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 200 CE (I’m paraphrasing) is:

To create divine union between mind, body and spirit, through awareness of ourselves as individualized beings intimately connected to the unified whole of existence.

And our intimate relationships have a LOT to do with it.

To set the scene, asana’s (body postures) is the 3rd of eight ‘limbs’ of yoga as taught by Patanjali. Namely:

1 Yama: Universal morality
2 Niyama: Personal observances
3 Asanas: Body postures
4 Pranayama: Breathing exercises, and control of prana (sex energy)
5 Pratyahara: Control of the senses
6 Dharana: Concentration and cultivating inner perceptual awareness
7 Dhyana: Devotion, Meditation on the Divine
8 Samadhi: Union with the Divine

I’m ‘going out on a limb’ by doing this, and it’s not meant as narrow-minded westernized dogma… so with humility, here are a few ideas on how the 8 limbs of Yoga correspond with nurturing authentic intimacy in relationships.

(These concepts align with my work on intimacy in my live workshops, one-to-one coaching and online course The Intimacy Code.)


Introduction To The 8 Yoga Sutras For Intimate Conscious Relationship

Yama: Universal morality

In relationship, this involves mutual compassion for each other’s journey of inner truth and connection with our spiritual self.

Striving for complete authenticity of our own character and behavior, along with striving for total empathy for our partner — giving them space to grow and explore their journey, with a commitment to behave in a way that best serves the highest purpose of both partners.

A selfless compassion for your partner.

Niyama: Personal observances

In relationship, the niyamas relate to maintaining conscientious healthy boundaries for your own sanctity and self-ownership, to ensure you have the right personal space to be true to yourself regardless of the relationship with a partner.

This includes the self-responsibilities for cleanliness, good health and fitness, mental attitude and emotional mood, personal power, integrity and effort towards achieving your successes, and developing internal mindfulness to know yourself more fully.

It also includes the recognition of yourself as part of a broader experience and connection with existence beyond the boundaries and limitations of an interpersonal romantic loving relationship.

A selfish focus on your personal experience.

Asanas: Body postures

Asana is the practice of physical postures or ‘positions’. It is the most commonly known aspect of yoga. Patanjali describes the Asana’s this way:

“This down-to-earth, flesh-and-bones practice is simply one of the most direct and expedient ways to meet yourself. … This limb of yoga practice reattaches us to our body. In reattaching ourselves to our bodies we reattach ourselves to the responsibility of living a life guided by the undeniable wisdom of our body.”

In terms of relationship this includes three elements:

1. Chi energy cultivation. Literally circulating the flow of chi energy through the body while holding your Asana poses and listening to the messages of wisdom that your body provides.

2. Couples Yoga. Working with a partner on Yoga positions rather than alone.

3. What has come to be known as ‘Tantric Sex’. Think ‘kama sutra’ positions. And yes, there were a few of those books in my Dad’s collection too (as per part 1). Here the focus is not just on ‘sex positions’, it’s the use of sex to engage emotional closeness as well as personal discovery and fulfillment through that shared heightened experience. Many of the physically challenging sexual positions of Tantric lovemaking are actually yoga postures used for personal awakening.

Pranayama: Breathing technique for control of prana

Breath work alone is not just about mindfulness meditation. Some yoga traditions and all of the Taoists taught how breath can be used to circulate chi (life force / sex energy) throughout the body.

Through intimate relationship, this involves circulating chi (sex energy) through breath during love making. Breath control can help delay or heighten the onset of orgasm. Breath work during sex also helps the partners synchronize and harmonize their emotions by tuning in to each other’s sensory experience.

Pratyahara:  Control of the senses

Affection is a vital cornerstone of loving relationship. Yet, over-indulgence or neediness for constant physical contact can end up pushing a partner away. Or it can lead to an emotional dependence on the physical aspects of relationship which inhibits the broader psychological and spiritual aspects.

An easy way for a woman to understand ‘control of the senses’ is in her preference for the man to take his time with lovemaking, rather than ‘racing to the finish line’.

In a similar way, men appreciate a woman’s sensitivity to give space rather than becoming ‘clingy’. Men like to spend time in their ‘man cave’ or den.

Pratyahara (control of the senses) in relationship is both about contributing sufficient affection and practical support to the partner, as well as knowing when to withdraw, hold back, and not over-indulge.

Dharana: Cultivating Self-Awareness

Extending beyond pratyahara, dharana means ‘immovable concentration of the mind’.

In terms of relationship, this involves being present and mindful in our connection with, and separateness from, our partner.

Giving Space

In my coaching, women have sometimes expressed their keen desire, almost an emotional need, for their man to be constantly demonstrating that she is ‘on his mind’.

Dharana advises that both partners allow each other to have mental, emotional and physical time apart form each other, allowing organic and holistic growth to occur for both of you separately, and in the relationship.

Being Present

A powerful phrase about presence is ‘wherever you are, be there’, reminding us to focus our awareness on the reality of our circumstances and fully appreciate and experience what is available to us in each moment.

This always implies that we should let go of any lingering longing for that which is not in our presence, including our partner, so we are not inhibited from pursuing our many responsibilities and aspirations.

This means giving each other genuine space to ‘breathe’, to concentrate, to focus, to clarify.

Offering Empathy

It also means concentrating and clarifying the contribution of the relationship to both partners. To fully focus on giving your best self to your partner. And making space for them to do the same for you. This is the immoveable concentration of relationship. To nurture both partners through times of separateness and times of fully present togetherness.

Dhyana: Devotion, Meditation on the Divine

Dhyana means worship. In relationship this is about appreciating the divine within the male/female relationship: the convergence of masculine/feminine energies with a resultant mix of strengths, weaknesses, roles and playful games that you each take on, and offer to each other.

Dhyana in relationship has several focal points:

Worship of the partners energy.

If you are the feminine partner, how can you fully admire, appreciate, bask in, and be absorbed by the strong masculine contribution of your partner?

Worship of your own energy.

If you are the feminine partner, how can you fully admire, appreciate, bask in, and be absorbed by the expressive feminine movement of your inner abundance?

Worship of your combined unity.

What clues can you find that illuminate the ‘other worldly’ experiences of deep, abiding, authentic intimacy that pervades a loving harmonious relationship?

Samadhi: Union with the Divine

Union with the divine in relationship means the cessation of conflict and the transcendent ecstasy of absolute emotional closeness achieved in the fleeting moments of shared orgasmic experience — and the emotional closeness that is created through authentic intimacy.

The spirituality of sex is, unfortunately, a hidden area of knowledge in most spiritual doctrines. For example:

“The Kabbalah teaches that … man can achieve total union with God only through sexual intercourse. This is one of the most zealously guarded secrets of the Kabbalah. Because God is made of two principles, male and female, and because they are forever united in perfect harmony, man must also endeavor to achieve perfect harmony in sex with a woman, one woman. According to Kabbalah a man or a woman who has never joined in sex with a member of the opposite sex can never come in contact with God.” – The Complete Book of Spells, Ceremonies, and Magic, Migene González-Wippler

And the sexual component of Indian Tantra is often neglected, forgotten or suprressed. (See Kiss of the Yogini)

The only path I know that still openly shares the spirituality of sex is Taoism.

The Tao (The Way) advocates a simple, natural, healthy and happy approach to life. Where our sensuality guides us to holistic integration of self with existence.

To paraphrase the earlier paragraph:

the most complete sense of union or mergence with existence occurs in the loss of conscious identity during moments of orgasmic ecstasy with full release of inhibition and fear, in a momentary, fleeting state of unconditional love and oneness

This is the goal of Yoga in terms of romantic loving relationship as I see it.

Part 1: Where I Got My Start With Yoga

Continue with Sex, Tantra and Enlightenment.

Finding Intimacy Through Yoga – Part 1

Part 1 – Where I Got My Start With Yoga (this page)
Part 2 – How Sex, Yoga and Intimacy Combine

You’ve probably seen videos of Yoga Moms and Dads holding Asana’s together along with their teeny tiny baby’s…

What a great start in life, to be part of such a shared commitment from parents to wellbeing.

It wasn’t quite like that in my household as mum didn’t participate, but I still feel fortunate as being among the first such ‘yoga baby’s’ in the Western World during the early 80s thanks to my dad.

I remember as a toddler rolling around on what seemed to be a vast blue thick and fluffy field of safety. It was my father’s blanket which he used for yoga practice out in the fields, next to the health retreat where we lived and he worked.

I distinctly remember dads red yoga pants, bushy beard, and startling Breath of Fire. He really did look a lot like this:

I was intent on mimicking the balancing poses that he seemed to hold for an eternity. Tree pose was my favorite.

Dad had learned yoga in India during the 70s and went on to teach yoga in the UK for some 30 years alongside his career in Naturopathy and Osteopathy. A true pioneer of the modern natural health movement.

Our bookshelves at home were stacked a mile high with the wisdom of eastern philosophy, natural health and modern psychology. My insatiable curiosity picked up around 9-years of age, and when dad moved out of the house when I was 11, rather than being able to instantly ask him every question under the sun, I turned to the books.

Without a guru, without a lively family environment, and without the distractions of any Internet, I had little better to do than ponder over the descriptions of mind, body, and spirit that emanated from the unfamiliar concepts and diagrams on the yellowed pages of that large eclectic mix of books.

I practiced. I tried the meditations. The breath work. The personal growth writing exercises. Dad gave me demonstrations or tips from time-to-time when I saw him at weekends. He even taught yoga at my primary school for a while. I was the kid with the funny dad.

I wasn’t so normal myself. At 15 I had my first experience of Samadhi (union with the divine) while meditating in the middle of my bedroom floor.

In brief: I discovered a white dot surrounded by a hazy mote of luminance, surrounded by an expanse of darkness. I was the dot. When I connected with my essence in that way, I emerged from that meditation deeply changed. I soon transitioned from a typical confused and frustrated teenager towards a purpose-directed young man.

But… then I discovered girls — and ‘union with the divine’ took on a while different meaning.

It wasn’t until my 20s that I re-connected with that internal journey of balance and harmony using a Taoist sex-energy meditation known as ‘circulating chi around the micro-cosmic orbit’ as I learned from Taoist Master Mantak Chia.

His books Cultivating Male/Female Sexual Energy are highly recommended. His live events give a deeper appreciation of the tempo and motion of the practices.

In essence, it involves drawing chi/prana (life force / sex-energy) through the base of the spine, up the spinal column, around the head, down the front, and collecting in the tan tien (solar plexus / belly area).

Through that daily practice, (similar to the rising serpent of Kundalini Yoga) I re-harnessed the self-disciplines of Taoist meditation that transmute sex energy into vitality.

I realized that full yoga practice is not just compatible with Taoist tantra meditation, but aligns with the broader journey of conscious relationship between intimate partners.

Part 2: The 8 Yoga Sutras For Intimate Conscious Relationship

Sex, Tantra and Enlightenment

Note: This is more of a research page rather than finished article. These notes were started in 2011 and continue through to 2016.

Have you ever experienced energetic waves streaming up your spine, washing over your head, and tingling through your hands?

In my early years it happened often, whenever I felt a strong sense of wonder… insight… or eroticism. Reading philosophy, psychology or literature could trigger a cascade of tingling energy that would rush up my back and over my head down my arms.

The sensation is that of a mix between goose bumps, sexual tingles, a rolling peaceful massage, and putting your fingers in an electric socket.

I assume you know the kind of overall experience I mean.

Well, little did I realize at the time that I was tapping in to the movement of Chi energy, otherwise known as Prana (Sanskrit for ‘vital life’) or ‘life force’ energy as taught in ancient spiritual heritage from Kundalini Yoga to Hermetic Kabbalah.

“All of the ancient spiritual traditions have a Tantric component.” – Weiser Field Guide To Ascension: The Meaning of Miracles and Shifts in Consciousness Past and Present – Cal Garrison

“The Kabbalah teaches that … man can achieve total union with God only through sexual intercourse. This is one of the most zealously guarded secrets of the Kabbalah. Because God is made of two principles, male and female, and because they are forever united in perfect harmony, man must also endeavour to achieve perfect harmony in sex with a woman, one woman. According to Kabbalah a man or a woman who has never joined in sex with a member of the opposite sex can never come in contact with God.” – The Complete Book of Spells, Ceremonies, and Magic, Migene González-Wippler

Sex Energy Cultivation

I didn’t relate my sensations of electrical waves with the eastern philosophies of chi energy cultivation until I started the practices of tantric energy cultivation taught by Taoist Master Mantak Chia during my mid-20s.

His teachings encouraged me to dedicate myself to the disciplines and practice of literally circulating the life force energy up my spine and around my head, and down the front of my body (in what is called the micro-cosmic orbit).

It doesn’t take much practice to create clear proof of a real effect.

For men, it begins in the balls. (Of course, right?)

In just a very short time I found results, unlike a lot of other meditation practices I did in the past.

As Chia says:

“People want to connect to the heaven but they forget about the Earth. If you don’t have the positive and the negative live wiring, you don’t get electricity. You need to connect with both.”

Ankhing (Egyptian Orgasm)

Other references to the same general experience is found in commentary on ancient Egypt.

Ancient Egyptians supposedly believed in knowing all ‘sixty-four sexual modes’ as requisite to entering the King’s Chamber to ascend to the next level of consciousness.

“The ankh is the template for the channel that carries the orgasm up the spine and allows us to move that energy back into the body” – Cal Garrison

Drunvalo explains in ‘ancient Egyptian sexual ankhing‘

Ancient Egyptians believed that the entire Mer-Ka-Ba or ‘lightbody’ (the field of energy surrounding and interpenetrating the body) benefits from the sexual release of orgasm.

Wilhelm Reich on Orgone Sex Energy

As recently as the 1950s, Reich experimented with bio-electricity demonstrate that human emotion, sexual excitation and orgastic discharge are measurable phenomena.

He believed that full sexual awareness would mean the end of superstition and suppressive belief systems.

“Full sexual consciousness and a natural regulation of sexual life mean the end of mystical feelings of any kind. In other words, natural sexuality is the deadly enemy of mystical religion. The church, by making the fight over sexuality the center of its dogmas and of its influence over the masses, confirms this concept.” – Wilhelm Reich

On Wilhelm Reich’s idea of Orgone Sex Energy:

“His idea was that the orgasm was not simply a device to aid recreation, but was the body’s emotional energy regulator. The better the orgasm, the more energy was released, meaning that less was available to create neurotic states. Reich called the ability to release sufficient energy during orgasm “orgastic potency,” something that very few individuals could achieve, he argued, because of society’s sexual oppression.”

Napoleon Hill on Sex Energy Transmutation

And in the very early 1900s, Napoleon Hill wrote on The Mystery of Sex Transmutation

“The desire for sexual expression is by far the strongest and most impelling of all the human emotions, and for this very reason this desire, when harnessed and transmuted into action, other than that of physical expression, may raise one to the status of a genius.

One of America’s most able business men frankly admitted that his attractive secretary was responsible for most of the plans he created. He admitted that her presence lifted him to heights of creative imagination, such as he could experience under no other stimulus..” – Napoleon Hill

Chakras & New-Age Spirituality

The eastern Chakra systems of the body have been identified as nodes in the human body where vortexes of subtle energy from higher dimensions interfere with the physical body.

Most of so called new-age spirituality that’s flung about on the net is extremely unbalanced and will do nothing more than fool you into thinking you’re progressing while actually wasting your precious time and leading you down dead ends.

The crown chakra is not ‘beyond’ or ‘above’ the body in terms of importance.  The root and sacral chakras are just as much related to higher spirituality as the crown chakra. Be careful about who you listen to.

Tantric Breathing Exercise

The first exercise I learned from Chia goes something like this:

Sit with loose pants on the edge of a chair. While breathing in, focus the mind on a sensation of inflowing energy into the scrotum. Each inhalation draws more energy into that area and it begins to rise. Within a short space of time I felt a very cold energy collecting there, and I could then gradually draw it up into the lower spinal area.

Since then I have endeavoured to ‘cultivate’ this chi energy, by circulating up the spine, around the head, and down my front, collecting it in my navel area.

Chi energy draws from the intent of the mind (crown chakra) through the lower chakras of the body and circulates it for health, vitality and pleasure throughout the body.

The process is similar for men and women and explained in great detail in Chia’s books. I read most of them and think these are the best to start with:

But don’t just read about it, for Tantra and Tao are bodily experiences. Doooo the exercises. Give them time and space. You’ll likely start feeling physical effects within days depending on your current level of chi connection.

Shoutout to the London UK Tao and Tantra school where Kris Deva North (also a brilliant Tantra and Taoist teacher) gives various classes.

Emotional Connection Voted Top Priority For Good Sex By 500 Women

Women want more sex. So says a survey of 500 women by Kindara, the fertility management app.

When asked ‘what’s most important for good sex?’, ’emotional connection’ ranked far ahead of other factors, followed by ‘foreplay’, ‘communication’ and even ‘frequency of sexual activity’.


Emotional Connection Voted Most Important For Good Sex, Kindara Survey

Check out more interesting results of the survey as reported by Huffington Post: Women Want More Sex.

And connect these dots:

50% of women voted they want more sex. Yet, the ‘frequency of sexual activity’ actually pales in comparison to the desire for greater emotional connection.

The more in sync we become with our partner emotionally, the more satisfied we are sexually — even if we have ‘less’ sex.

One simple bit of advice that even emotionally ‘slower’ men should be able to understand is reported by Hayley Matthews at, following a 21-day sex-life study which found 15-minutes of cuddling after sex makes a big difference in overall sexual satisfaction and general relationship fulfillment.

Do so many men really find that so hard to understand?


The Intimacy Code details five emotional experience that you can give to a man during early-stage dating and continued into long-term relationship that strengthen emotional connection in a way that men secretly crave.

References: Huffington Post, Kindara.

He Found Intimacy With His Partner Only After Becoming Impotent [video]

Thank goodness I don’t have Michael’s problems.

Although I do very much relate to his discovery of ‘deep abiding connection’ through loving intimacy.

He describes it very well through a humorous yet poignant presentation that I believe every man should watch to learn from and every woman should watch to know that men can be taught.

Michael went from the most shallow understanding of human intimacy to the heights of human intimacy.

And all it took was… a ‘little problem’.

Enjoy the video.

In this warm and humorous talk, Michael J. Russer describes how his impotence led him to discover the key to experiencing extraordinary intimacy with another human being.

Michael J. Russer is an international speaker and author of several books. He is also a prostate cancer survivor who was rendered fully impotent as a result of the treatments. However, it is because of his impotence and his conscious choice to go from being shut-down to fully heart open that he and his partner now experience truly extraordinary levels of emotional and physical intimacy beyond what most “normally” functioning couples can imagine. This makes him one of the most unique intimacy experts in the world.

Dating Coach, Relationship Coach or Intimacy Coach?

I get asked if I’m a ‘dating coach’ or a ‘relationship coach’…

I explain that yes, I am a qualified life coach and an emotion therapist. I coach on dating, love, relationship, sex and intimacy… although I’m floored by the brilliance of certain dating and relationship coaches that I see in the marketplace.

And I don’t claim to be a replacement for any of them although I do have one particular contribution to offer.

A fast-track approach to connecting with men at their deepest level for authentic intimacy.

In that sense I’m proud to say I’m a coach. Because I can work with you on that particular topic of nurturing authentic emotional connection with a worthy suitor. To guide and train you on a five-phase emotional experience that men absolutely need to receive from you, in order to connect at a ‘soulful’ level.

But all the modern dating and relationship strategies will still apply. Such as those covered in my On Intimacy Podcast Interviews: from online dating if you’re over 40, through to advanced conflict-resolution mindsets.

I see intimacy as a life-long learning process.

An adventure.

Something to invest in throughout our lives.

The Love & Intimacy section of the blog gives me the opportunity to explore and share what I believe to be the greatest opportunity and greatest frontier of all human experience:

Union of self through deep authentic emotional connection with a loving partner.

So if you’re looking for a coach, browse the growing list of Expert Interviews (Subscribe to the On Intimacy Podcast on iTunes) and you may find the right coach for your current needs.

If you’d like to work with me short-term on my particular focus of helping you reach a man’s authentic heart-felt connection, we can do a few sessions: giving you the male intimacy code to authentic emotional connection.

From there, I may have suggestions for who to work with next as you progress along your own unique path of growth and fulfillment.

Either way, wishing you lots of passion, security and blissful harmony within yourself and with your relationships.


February 18, 2016

See my coaching page for an answer to the popular question: What Is Intimacy Coaching?